They say, "love is blind"

But i say, "loving is blinding."

Oh, how sweet and saturated love is, how romantic and dramatic my life can be with the little drop of love, oh how wonderful and beautiful it has become. 

Love is the exact opposite. 

They say there are 4 stages of love:

1st stage: the lovely honeymoon stage

2nd stage: the not so honeymoon yet still sweet stage = imperfect phase

3rd stage: the cold hard truths phase - negotiation

4th stage: the "should we or not" phase - commitment 

Love is a double sided coin - at one end it's all romantic and beautiful, fulfilling and hopeful. Yet, on the other end, it's hardwork, pain, anger and resentment. 

You cannot love a person if that person has not given you a taste of anger, hatred and resentment; yet of course, to be realistic, it has to be proportionate to the amount of sweetness he/she provides. 

Love needs maintenance: It needs constant revamping, revisiting, trying, retrying throughout all 4 stages, and especially towards stages 3-4. It reaches a time when partners start take each other for granted, integrating them so much into their lives that they become oblivious to them, to the love that they share. It becomes a moment of having to say "i love you" because you have to say it. 

The dating process cease to exist. The mundane routine loving begins.

And very often, it is blinding - because you say you love a person does not mean you love that person. You feel obliged to say so because of the duration you've been together. You feel obliged to say so because you are tired of revisiting the problems and past that you both share to work towards a better relationship now and in the future. When one asks, "do you love me?" the other often reply "yes." What does "yes" means? Obligingly yes, or sincerely yes? You might have lost the feeling for your partner and you do not know because you refuse to revisit your inner emotion and feelings. And very often, it leads to something else and disastrous when it does. 

Someone once told me this: "Dating never ends. I will never stop dating my WIFE." 

Sugar rush. 

Will i ever find a man who will never stop dating me, who will find ways to show me his love through very very little yet meaningful gestures? 

Is it a men's thing - to take their initial love for a woman to mould it into something so convenient and sweeping? Then why is this someone who said this sugar rushing sentence a man?

Is it a women's thing - to always demand so much affection and showering from their partner that it becomes stifling and obliging? 

Is it an age thing - too young too puppyish too immature? Then why do adults divorce? 

Is it a cultural thing - too liberal too conservative or a balance of both is lacking?

Is it a weight thing - that fat girls will never be able to find a truthful lasting partner but fat guys always seem to get a partner? 

I have starved myself, pushed my body to the limits just to be who i think he wants me to be - the skinny, pretty asian singaporean smarty girls from st nicholas, raffles girls etc. 

I am tired of trying so hard to conform what this whole idea of "being slim is pretty and acceptable" and tired of trying to be like that to make him love me.

We, humans are not in control of our emotion of love - when it comes it comes, when it goes it goes. Whether you notice it now or later, it's there. It is just a matter of time of finding out the truthful feelings you and your partner feels for each other. There are a million or potential pursuers - when the heart wishes to change, it changes and there's no stopping. 

When one is tired of something or someone, he/she gives up. 

I need a new focus in my life - it's no longer about one man, one person, one future. 

You get what i mean. 

4 years of togetherness - maybe it's just not what we've been looking for? But at the same time, maybe it is. We are still searching for an answer. But are we ever gonna find an answer?

I've given up on the idea of love because love hurts - and you've changed my impression of it. Yet, you failed to convince me that it is worthwhile to believe in love. If the outcome of love is so bleak, why do people still fall in love?

Because we, all love a certain degree of pain. 

Bottom line is:

I will let you taste your own medicine. 

xoxo

A

P.S: Is it me or is this article seriously schizophrenic and unfinished.